Submissive Feelings: When did you first realise you had submissive feelings and how far have you embraced those feelings?
I look back now and believe I always had submissive tendencies, wanting to please people and keep them happy, forever being unable to say no, wanting to make life easier for my family as a wife and mother – serving them – being supermum. But I never realised this may have been part of deeper feelings and needs, another part of my character…. A submissive side ! The opposite to my alpha side.
What led me to discovering this side? I love historical novels, and after switching to an e-reader the suggestions made by kindle for new reading matter slowly introduced regency discipline and kink. As an avid reader I read a huge number of books and needed to branch out to find new reading material, Kindle widened my experience as the books they suggested began to enter the erotic field. Sneaky Kindle ! Part of my character is also curious, and I continually have a need to learn new things and search out new information to extend my thinking and knowledge.
So obviously, the next step was to research to find out if this was real in the world. This search brought me to many different sources of information and a new bent to my curiousity, a deep need to try for myself, to gain a sexual connection with my husband. It brought out submissive feelings that I realised needed to be tested. I decided to broach the subject with my husband almost two years ago, and well that’s another story already told in a previous blogpost on the SWC site.
As an Alpha female in all other parts of my life, embracing those feelings has been a journey filled with ups and downs, of wanting and needing My Sir’s dominance but pushing back even though I asked Him for this. Of hesitating at times when He asks things of me in daily life … though I have no trouble in the ‘bedroom.’ It is, in all reality, a relief to have given over a lot of the decision making and choices that I have made in all the areas of our life.
After 38 years of married life as the alpha, making most of the decisions, I am happy to finally embrace my submissive feelings. I believe, My Sir too is enjoying having total control in the bedroom and being invested more in our everyday lives. I have embraced those feelings in my life and our marriage in what is as close to a 24/7 lifestyle as is possible when we have careers, and family and friends to interact with. I crave My Sir’s dominance both when He is with me and when He is not … except when my mind is busy with solving problems in my job… I have a very busy mind ! Even then I try to be aware of our rules and rituals and try so very hard to keep them in my mind, and like anyone failing at times is part of that.
It is all a challenge, especially considering my Dom is newer than me at finding his inner self. The fact that I am more at peace with myself confirms the inner submissive needed to be let out. I have a long way to go, we have a long way to go … but have both come so far. We continue to push our personal boundaries and each other, and that is all anyone can ask.